"So your boss keeps you late when he stays late?" Jake questions. I like that he's curious.
"Sometimes, I help with research and google. He's like 70 and knows how to but doesnt like to. He usually shouts out random thoughts I google, look up law stuff, or just write it down for later. " Jake takes a breathe "What?"
"I thought asshole was keeping you late so you couldnt be around. I thought he was your boss." It's so hard not to touch him when he's this close. I know I shouldn't but my freaking body doesnt listen. I scoot closer, take his hand, look into his eyes. Now I know why he's curious. He thinks Im spending all this time with Stephen.
"Well asshole left super early for a conference in Denver. He isnt my boss. I havent spent much time with him either, his case load and my boss's schedule. And now he's gone for a week."
"So you've been busy?" I guess he thinks now I have just been avoiding him. Truth, yea a little, I dont know where we go from here. I dont know if I want to take the jump. I dont know if I can. Before Stephen left for Denver, he made me promise to not make any decisions without him and to think of what I really want. He has texted me a lot since this morning just checking in. I can't say he hasnt given everything I should want from a man.
"Yea Jake, I've been busy, I am trying to build a career. Remember school for four years? This is why. I am just an assistant now, but I am building good contacts." I dont know why I am getting defenseful but what does he expect. This is one of the reasons we didnt work, one of the constant fights we had senior year, I was leaving, he was staying.
"You're right. I know that. I guess I just figured if you wanted to see me, you'd find the time."
"That's the thing with these cases and the load my boss takes. There are weeks I am a straight 9 to 5 sometimes shorter days and there are times like now that I dont get out until late." I am really hating myself for what i am getting ready to say but maybe i need to put it out there. "That's why it works with Stephen, he understands the hours, most of the time he's got his own crazy hours." His face drops. I just dont know how this can work. I dont trust him. We would have to begin all over and I know it would take me a long time to want to take it to the next step. He wants to get married now I am sure. He keeps pushing for it. He gets up. I follow his lead. He kisses my forehead.
"I should go. You've had a long day and I have an early morning." I know that I just pushed him and I don't know if I can handle this being final. He is gone like he was never here and I cry. I cry for the last 5 years. I cry for a beginning I wish I could make happen. I wish I could forget that he hurt me so much.
Stephen calls later, telling about his day and how much he misses me. I miss him too. I am at his house a lot, I haven't been there in almost a week. I feel empty for him and I haven't felt that in a long time. I think I would miss him so much if I gave him up for something i am not sure i can make work. It should be easy right? My love with Jake has been so hard.