Kissing. We are kissing. I pull back " I am not a cheater Jake." I say it before I think. I don't want to throw it up again in his face but a spade is a spade.
"I'm sorry. I know you are not a cheater and I havent done anything remotely close for almost 5 years. I barely even had sex when I was married. And I haven't since we separated. Every woman, every set of eyes, every laugh is compared to you. I am not that kid anymore. I am not jealous of your success. I am not mad you left anymore. I was mad. I never had a shot at college or the life of care free teenager. You not going that night was a slap to me. You didnt want to be with me. You didnt want to hang on my arm. Proud to be my girl." He thinks I wasnt proud. God, we had more problems than we even knew back then. We would have never made it.
"Jake, I dont know what to say to that. We were together for two years if you didnt think I was proud to be with you, then maybe it was for the best we went our separate ways because I am with someone now that doesnt doubt me." I stand up to leave. This is going no where. We are just talking in circles. "I am happy you are in a good place." I repeat. God, I feel like that's all I can say anymore. "I dont come home often so I shouldn't see you much but if I do please know that we are good. We need to be." I leave. He doesnt try to stop me, again. I hate to admit that I am a little disappointed at that.
I find Stephen sitting on my porch reading something on his phone. "And what do I owe this pleasure?" I hate that my heart isnt in this visit. "I wanted to see you." He stands up and kisses my cheek.
"You could have gone inside."
"It's beautiful out and I have only been here a few minutes. Sit with me." We sit in silence for a good while, he continues to read something on his phone and I just stare into the distance. My phone keeps going and I keep ignoring it. "Babe, you going to get that?" "Nope, I was on the phone all day at work, it can wait for awhile. I'm enjoying just stopping for a minute."
He finally leaves after an hour of talking about nothing. He knows I am not feeling company. I could see it in his eyes. He doesnt know why, I am usually eager for him to be around since we are always fighting for time but I just want to sleep right now.
My phone has 5 messages from an unknown number.
Unknown: I'm sorry about tonight
Unknown: I will always love you. This cant be the end of us.
Unknown: Please text me back to know I didnt screw it up 5 years ago.
Unknown: Don't kill your mom for giving me your number. I just wanted to tell you one more time that I love you incase this is the end.
Unknown: Goodnight. I wont message again.
Unknown: I'm sorry about tonight
Unknown: I will always love you. This cant be the end of us.
Unknown: Please text me back to know I didnt screw it up 5 years ago.
Unknown: Don't kill your mom for giving me your number. I just wanted to tell you one more time that I love you incase this is the end.
Unknown: Goodnight. I wont message again.
I slide down off my couch and sit on the floor. Damn it. I was so sure I could forget I had any communication with him tonight. He makes my heart ache. He has always been a sore spot in the center of my chest.