I lied. The conversation continued. In. My. Head. I dreamt all night of Jacob. I could feel him. I could smell him. I jerked awake. That hand I felt, yea, it was Stephen rubbing my belly. I feel dirty dreaming of him while in bed with Stephen. I slide out and move to the couch. I have no clue what time it is but it's close to sunrise. I just sit and stare out the window. I need calm. I need to think. How can I be away from someone for 5 years then it feels like no time has pasted? Holding his hands, him calming me by rubbing my back, it was all wrong.
I am just thankful I didn't lose my shit with him. He doesn't know how much everything screwed me up. He doesn't need to know that he could have me back. It's sad, maybe someone stronger would say no, but he's my soul. Stephen never questions why I wont move in, he just goes with it. I really don't have a good reason other than that I never really got any closer with Jake. I never got to say my piece. I was so shocked by the news. He kept arguing that we could stay together and he would raise the baby with me during his time. I couldn't comprehend how that could happen. How he could sleep with someone? Although deep down, I wanted to. I wanted to stay and raise that baby. I wanted to be a second mom to that baby then when the time was right have one with Jake. How though, how could I ever think that? Because he's my soul.
I have to keep the anger ahead of the sadness. Anger will allow me to forget that I hate to be mad at him. Anger will keep him at bay. We all make mistakes, his was a long time ago. I wonder if he ever cheated on her like he did me? I wonder if he blamed it on drinking, I always thought he did it for anther reason. I always thought the baby was a total surprise, that he just wanted to sleep with someone different, get back at me for getting ready to leave him. I should have asked that last night.
Stephen comes down the stairs, snuggles behind me on the couch. "Why are you down here?" he kisses my neck. I know I should tell him but I am not going to do it now.
"I just couldn't sleep. You'd think with the dancing and drinking I would." I lean back into him. I've always felt eighty percent at home with him. Does that even make sense? Probably not. Until last night I thought about marrying him one day, when he was ready. He's made remarks making me think that another marriage wasn't in the cards for a while. Marrying someone you feel safe with is always a nice plan. Comfortable. As my mother would tell me yet again in her nicest sweetest 'I don't care for Stephen' voice, "Settling is nice but what about love?"