07 December 2011

Working Mom...

So this week I became a working mom again. Most would be crying, upset, and not working but worrying about their kids. Me, well, I have worked since the age of 15, I have always had goals of becoming successful at something in the work field and to be honest working just seems like what I should be doing. So YES Monday was a hard day, I missed my babies, I miss them anytime I am not with them, BUT I do not mind being at work. Yes I wish I could find a job that I could be home during the day and maybe work during naps and after bedtime but that isnt going to happen. Truth is, I like my job. I am good at my job.

The time crunch in the evenings stink the most, by the time I get home, get them fed, bathed, changed, and settled down, its bedtime and if I blink it seems like it all happened within 15 minutes instead of 3 hours. I am getting a little bonus though, Hailey is awake a lot more than Ava was at this age. When Ava was younger than 3 months, by the time we got home and her fed, she slept. She slept all evening and all night only waking to feed. Hailey as of right now sleeps in few hour segments and is awake for longer blocks of time. She does do well at night, goes to sleep mostly on her own after her last feeding and wakes only for bottles.

So far I dont feel too exhausted but this whole working and taking care of them is only 3 days old. Hailey is doing 2 bottles a night and I am thankful for that. I am waiting until we get to one bottle. But I do enjoy the half hour that its just us. No one else is up, we keep eye contact until she starts to drift to sleep, she smiles at me and I talk to her sometimes.

The mornings havent been too bad, I had two with Kenny at home and one with him at work. It's pretty much the same routine except when he is home, he helps get Ava ready and both of them out the door. Hailey isnt on a set schedule yet so her timing is off a little each day it seems. Nothing is done at the same time everyday yet, at least not at home. But she seems to be waking up in between 5-630 and depending on her last bottle determines whether I feed her before we go. When I dont have to feed her, of course, the morning moves a little faster, but this morning she wanted to be fed at 630 and it was nice sitting still for 15 minutes holding her in my arms. Ava is a total Daddy's girl and when Kenny's home she doesnt have too much to do with me in the mornings, especially when I am back and forth from kitchen to living room to our room back out to the kitchen.

The drop off: it can be hard. It really depends on Ava's mood. If she is clingy and upset she can make it rough. I was very emotional during my pregnancy and when she would have bad mornings, I would tear up walking out the door. So far leaving them, hasnt been easy but I have been dealing with it. I have began a routine from the beginning with Ava to help get the jacket/shoes/hat/gloves off and to get a kiss and hug. So when we get there, I get Hailey out of her carseat and give her a big kiss before handing her off to Becky, and then I ask for my hug and kiss from Ava. I havent cried and I am waiting for the breakdown, the emotional stress of it all. It hasnt hit me yet. Maybe it wont. Maybe the second one is just supposed to be easier. I figured it would be a little harder since I knew what I was in for. I think the drop off is easy because of who I am leaving them with and where they are staying. I am blessed for that.


Yep thats how I feel people are looking at me when I answer the question "Are you dreading going back to work and leaving the kids?" That's because my answer is "As much as I love being at home with them, I am ready to go back to work". And it isnt to be mean or that I dont want to do my mom duties its just that being at home 24 hours a day with a 2 year old and newborn and having a husband that is gone for an extended period of time puts a lot of stress on everything you do. And I feel bad for the girls when my stress level is high because I know they feel it and they feed off of it. I give a lot of credit to the ones that can stay at home and are the primary caregivers. My mom did it for years and my dad worked swing shift. Now granted he was home everyday at some time and my dad according to my mom was awesome at helping and did a lot for her still I dont know how she did it with 3 kids. She never got a real break or vacation or even a bathroom break without one of us with her. I dont see work as a break, I am busy, but I see it as a chance for my girls to get time outside of our house and to socialize with other people.

I feel bad sometimes, why dont I have the desire to stay home, why am I not aching to find a way to pay the bills and be with my girls???? My mom said it best, you worked before you had kids and you have worked a long time, you shouldnt feel bad for working, you dont know how to be home all the time.

It feels good to be back, I missed my friends, I missed the work, but then at the same time I am always thinking about my girls and what they are doing, if Hailey is doing something new, did Ava say something funny. I must say I dont feel like I missed a beat even with 6 weeks gone. I got back, got caught up, and am helping my team and friends with files and answering questions.

I guess I will always be torn about having to work and the fact that I dont mind it but I know it will all work out. One day both girls will be in school, will be with their friends, and they will be like 'Mom who?', and what will I be doing to keep myself busy when I have no one at home to take care of. So back to work and trying to find a balance at home while taking care of my girls.

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