I think I have felt like the odd man out since about 8 years old. I always felt like i didn't belong. I always felt like something was always off. I never gelled with the family. I always sat back and watched how they could be laughing and joking but I was just never included. Sometimes I just didn't want to be but others I think it was more of I thought of things differently. This made me different, and it seems in this family, different is bad. You cannot think for yourself, you cannot think opposite, and you cannot decide how to live. It always just seemed off.
Now almost 40 that odd man feeling is greater than it ever has been. I am living a life I never thought I would be worthy of having. I have a wonderful husband and sour patch kids. I have a few friends that have really let me lean on them lately. I recently visited with family and it felt so off. Like no one wanted me there. The sad thing is that this is normal, I visit and I talk because that is what is expected of me, whats sad is everything that comes out of my mouth is carried to someone else. Everything that is said is analyzed to make me the bad person. Everything is twisted so I am this horrible person. And now I think I am just done. I hate to say it but you really need to look out for yourself and your family.
I have one more visit that is obligated, a quick visit and then I can wash my hands of them and the feelings I have held in since I was 14. When I felt like I had to more the adult than the kid. When I had to make sure everyone got home, and then up for school. When I knew that whatever I did for the family, it would never be good enough. At least then when I open my mouth, I know it wont be passed on to the next person or made fun of because I think or live differently. At least then I can live with some peace. At least then I can move on and stop worrying that I will never be good enough.
Its horrible to be surrounded by people who have no clue your struggles, who don't care about your struggles, and who think you have zero struggles. I am tired of them having some kind of hold over my thoughts. I am just tired of the feeling that I need their approval. I don't and I am tired of asking for it silently only to be ridiculed for being me. I am good enough. Just not to them.