Every time I leave a 'family' visit, it makes me wonder, how did I come to be a part of this family? Yes we are supposed to be different, yes we are all our own person, but how come I feel loner leaving than before I got there? We are so out of touch with each other. We straight up don't care. You can tell. No one is really interested in what the other is doing. We just go through the motions of the visit. We do it for Dad.
I often wonder what will happen when Dad is gone. Will I have any relationship with my siblings? I guess only time will tell. Sometimes I wonder if that will be a good thing. I can live my life the way I want to without feeling like I am doing something wrong. Both siblings like to preach no judgement, be friends to all, and make remarks when a judgement will occur, when in fact every time I am around I am judged. I am judged by how I am living, raising my family, and what we do as a family.
Our beliefs are a big issue. We are faithful church goers, I am a children's director, and we are heavily involved with many activities. Just today my oldest brought up paperwork for a missions trip she is interested in, NO ONE else was. No one asked her about it once she stated it was for the church. No one cared that she is willing to give up her entire spring break to help another group.
I always question why we even bothered to go down, why did we even try to share our lives, and I know it's because of my dad. We get to catch up and he talks about work and life. I just hate how the whole family feels when they get in the car. Like a weight was taken off their shoulders and now they can breath. I want to blame it on politics or covid, but really we've been different for a long time, we've just ignored it. Now it has finally came to light where ignoring it just can't be done. I guess I can blame politics a little, they started treating me and my kids like trash when we didn't agree and easily began badgering us over not liking certain political figures. We sucked it up as best as we could until one day I got home and the emotions just over came and I couldn't take it any longer.
It just boggles my mind that the same people that preach love ALL, do not judge ALL, are always judging my family and judging it very openly. It's no secret they don't agree with us going to church, following the red wave, or that we do not agree with everything going on in the world right now. My kids feel it, which is sad at their young ages its easy for them to trust and love and they feel like they are not loved and that they are always being put on the spot when they talk about their believes. They get angry and discouraged. I just don't know how much more or how much longer we can keep our shoulders square enough to hold this load.
Today in particular, I just don't feel like I belong. I keep stuff from them so I don't feel bullied or pressured into feeling another way. I keep stuff from them so that my kids don't have to ask me in the car why someone is always so mean to me. I keep stuff from them so that I can sleep at night knowing that we have a large family back here that loves us and cares for us. It just makes life easier. I have battled depression episodes for a long time, since I was a teenager and thought those evil thoughts that I didn't need to be around because no one would miss me. Well now I do have people that would miss me and those episodes still do come but they are easier to dig out of. I don't think I will ever live up to the standard they have set, I don't think they want me to because it's easier to make fun of someone than to compliment them. It's easier to talk about someone else's faults than your own. And it does nothing but drive that wedge further and further apart until that person just disappears from your life. At my age I am there, they aren't good mentally and they aren't good for mentors for my children.
Today was just a bad day, maybe next time will be better. (This is always the phrase)