So I am at an age where life is good. AND messy sometimes. But whose isn't. I don't watch a lot a of television, shocker with the amount of reviews I can write in a week. Buuuuutttt I do have guilty pleasure for those awesome family shows. You know the ones that show a dysfunctional family but they seem to all get along. They are at each other's houses all the time. They just have this kumbaya within the family structure. I know family sucks sometimes but really growing up I thought I would have a different relationship with my siblings. We have never been close. I had to grow up early. My sisters both lived care free lives during their teenage years. They came and went, while I was home making sure they got into bed, the door got locked, and they got to school. Teenage life didnt really exist for me. I had the high school boyfriend, I had the friend issues, and I had the part time job, but at home I always felt like I was out of the circle.
I always felt like the butt of their jokes and their lives because they lived a very different one than I did. They don't even realize how different it was because we were not close. As we grew and became adults and mothers, they relationships changed. We weren't super close but we were closer than we ever had been before. My late 20's I actually felt like I had siblings. I was able to share mom life. But now in my late 30s I am more alone than ever within my immediate family. It's like we weren't even raised by the same people. How do 3 kids raised by the same people become so different? You'd think we were raised in different areas of the country and got meshed together by chance. Conversations are awkward, they are pushed. Conversations are surface level. No one cares.
So back to topic, I am watching these shows, siblings sharing brunches, talking about relationships, and talking about real topics. I know it's tv, but I know families that are like this. I know families that are connected and communicating. Then I have a visit with mine and we talk about nothing. Sometimes I wonder why do we even visit? Other than it's habit. I feel worse for my kids. Their aunts and uncles don't know them, don't put any effort in knowing them, and they are at an age where they know they are not important.
I am thankful for my in-laws and my husbands family. They have cousins and family that ask important questions, take an interest in their activities and thoughts, and hopefully have someone they know they can go to if they aren't comfortable talking to me. It's just been bothering me. It can go months without talking to my sister and as much as I miss her, she is exhausting. When views (personal and political), parenting, and lifestyles (especially religious) are as different as night and day, its hard to find middle ground.
I have one sibling who isn't really in tune with one parent and the whole dynamic has changed. I believe that is what has everything shifted right now with my feelings. We are a family divided. We are a family that used to have the big conversations and make up, that now doesn't even knowledge there are issues. It's terrible to not want to be around people who ultimately make you miserable and feel horrible when you feel you are doing life well. It's toxic.
And I just don't know what to do anymore. I am almost 40 and tired of trying. It's sad. Every study I do, every verse I read, every conversation I have with a friend tells me to continue trying, to bridge that gap. But is the gap too far? Is there no coming back? I don't know the right answer. I just know I don't like hearing my kids wondering if they are important or loved. I am tired of empty conversations. I have always been the odd ball out when it comes to this family but more than ever I feel like I may belong and trying just doesn't matter at this point.
Maybe I should be thankful, I am a person who doesn't do a lot of people, I don't do crowds, and I can go days at home without company and be content. I am just fearful that when my parents are gone, so will my siblings.