People are funny. Judgement. Assuming. It all comes in waves. It's the classic, you can dish it but can't take it scenario. Maybe? I don't know. I do know that it's weird to hear criticism from those that don't really know me. We've drifted, we are different, and we have never been that close. Two totally different people with two totally different set of life rules. To judge without understanding. For over two years I have pondered why I even continue to hang out. I have wondered why not to just cut the ties. It's hard. It's hard to give up on people you care about. It's hard to rearrange scheduling to not include those you love. It's hard to sit there an take virtual punch after virtual punch. I have spent so many nights awake, contemplating how to deal with the negativity. I don't do well with it in my life. I am an upbeat person, I love trying to find the positive in all things even when life is crappy. But at what point do you stop. I don't know the answer to this. It's a hard situation.
Today with high anxiety I got a couple more of those virtual punches. And then my tongue unleashed. I couldn't fake it, I couldn't stop my tongue. I don't like to lie and it's never been a strong suit for me. Then as usual when you point out how you have been beaten down for a while it doesn't matter. What only matters is what came out of my mouth. It doesn't matter that even my kids have seen and heard the verbal abuse for the last couple of years. They wonder why others are mean. They wonder what the big laugh was about. Then you have to explain that some people express themselves in different ways. Then you find yourself awake at 2am thinking of all the horrible things that could have come out of your mouth but you know how much damage it would do. So you don't sleep, you just ponder when will it quit, when will you quit being the punching bag for someone else.
But this just shows that just because we talk we aren't listening. We aren't taking in what is going on with our lives. We don't really know each other. We are superficial with each other and it's soooo over. Not even talking about important things. Not talking about things that matter. Just talking about the surface topics. Tip toeing to make sure things aren't said to cause an argument because we are on so opposite sides of everything right now. Today showed that.
Because the people that know me, know so much more about my character and soul. So no this won't keep me up tonight. This won't weigh on me. I will read my devotional, take my 15 minutes to calm my brain, and hopefully sleep. It's amazing how much you learn about a person and today I learned a lot. I learned that it doesn't matter how I feel as long as you feel good. And life doesn't work that way. Respect is earned not given and I can't say that it has ever been earned, just assumed it's there. And that in itself is hurtful. So to those that really know me, thank you for caring about my words, not interrupting during a story, not making fun when I speak, and loving me for the person I am.