I Like to Write:: Life When Its Hard

Sitting here pondering. Seems like there is a lot of time for that these days. Thinking about the people in my life that I thought were solid. They were my go to for venting, celebrating, and thoughts. Well I seem to have been wrong. I haven't heard from a few of those people since this whole stay at home stuff has started. The conversations are generic at best. It just utterly amazes me how people will expect favors, ask for favors, and then when its time they could pay back they are MIA. When you go out of your way to help someone and then when need is expected its crickets. I guess its time to try to stop expecting something different. Its been the same for years the giving and the taking. Although I really always hope that something will give and it will be sent back the other way. 

Then I have my friends that are there. God I have needed them. Those friends, I am thankful for. I have those that are letting me vent, offering to help when its needed, and trying to make me understand I am not in this alone. My boss, God love her, she has listened to me bitch and complain about everything and still has the professionalism to continue our work relationship like nothing was said. She allows me to say what I need from the heart and I am sure she is reading my emails or texts with a smile on her face, shaking her head, and then sends me something to let me know she understands but her hands are tied. 

But here I am again, questioning why people don't think of others, why people will kick everyone out of their boat but beg them to come back once it's convenient for them. When you are in need and the person you thought would step up to help backs off and disappears and someone you didn't think would be around is the most helpful person in your life right now. When the back is weak its nice to have someone lift you up. As a married woman I depend on my husband during all times but sometimes a woman's point of view is what you need, someone that is just as emotional as you, someone that feels or see things the way you do. Men and women's perspectives are so different. But I am so very thankful for those women that are in my life and have been my sounding board through all this chaos. 

I Like To Write:: I'm allowed a moment right? Maybe?!

So for the past 2 weeks our schools have been shut down, businesses are slowly shutting down, roadways are bare. Today, I had my fill and I allowed my kids to not worry about their distant learning plan and to play or watch videos while I had a mini break down. How am I going to have enough leave for April thru August of no school. We have no sitter and that's for a good reason. Last year we survived the summer without one. My work thankfully allows me to flex my schedule so that I am able to be home in the evenings for bus duty. My husband is working one of the jobs that has him in direct contact with patients. Patients carrying what, we don't know, but he's still coming home and into the house so I am happy. I am fighting with work to allow me home on the days he is at work at least until this social distancing plan is over to try to save leave. My dad is up for surgery sometime in the summer and he'll need care for at least a week. I haven't seen my sisters and as much as they irk me sometimes, I am missing them something fierce.
So today, I broke. My husband went to work, I sat on the couch until I had had my limit and I excused myself to the bathroom. A very good friend of mine let me bug her texting like crazy until it was all out while I cried my heart out.
After 20 minutes of self loathing, I picked myself up, thanked my friend for her ears and started the dishwasher. My kids, thankfully, don't know and don't need to know. Why do parents feel the need to put their stress on their kids anyways?
Ever wonder why we have so many kids who are all into their feelings, stressed out, and need to be in the guidance counselors office all day? Because parents put too much on their shoulders. My kids without even knowing it made the day a little better with hugs and not fighting. My husband, he knows I had a stressed day but do I really need to put this on him either? Some might think so, but me, not me, because he knows I have had rough days, he knows what I am stressing about. I actually freak out better with him gone, I can do it get it over with and move on. I seriously think he's had his fill, he's stressed too trying not to get coughed on or spit on so he has a better chance of not getting sick. So am I allowed to have a moment? I think so. I think I needed today. I needed to be able to get stuck in my head, cry, and plan. My husband is very aware of my plans, my kids know I am home when I need to be, and my family thinks all is well because of my job. I'm thankful for the few people I have really leaned on these past few days so I can vent and be angry.
Now, now its time to do the moving on part. I need to return to work, I need to calculate my leave and count his days of work. I need to keep my mouth shut and work without argument or a smart ass comment. Now is the time to sit in my cube with my earbuds in and ignore the outside. I know it won't be easy but I have a month maybe two of this social distancing and I will be able to hopefully get a little normal back into my routine. My kids have school work to get done, zoom meetings, and hopefully lots of positive family time. I need to pray none of us get sick. I need to lean on Him during these times when I don't so much. When I forget there is someone out there to talk to besides myself. 

I Like to Write:: Times Like These

Times Like These:
I wish I worked harder to promote my blog
I wish I already had a job that allowed me to work from home
I wish I was established enough reviewing to make a little money from it
I wish I had more followers and sponsors
I wish I could write all the ideas into my head for great books and they actually sold
I wish I could support my family in a better way instead of depending on a company that doesn't care
I wish I could spend all day writing instead of working at a desk for someone else
I wish I could spend all day reading great books from great authors
I wish I could have a more flexible means to support my family
I wish I could be independently wealthy enough to not worry during times like these

All good thoughts. All good wishes. I love my job and time away from the house. I love that I am educated enough to have a job that pays me well. I love my immediate supervisor and her support. However right now I am angry. Angry over the fact that I am going to an unclean building, to an unclean cubical (until I clean it), and have to breath the air of people who may not be showing symptoms but could easily have this dangerous lung eating disease.

I love my blog, sometimes I wish I spent more time working to promote it. What would it be like to have thousands of people waiting for me to post? What would it be like to have these great ideas and thoughts that just flow out? What would it be like to make a living just writing your thoughts, opinions, and the reviews. I will never know. I do know though that I will never allow myself to make the company I work for make me feel worthless. I will not give them that power. I am frustrated. Frustrated over the fact that everyone is using the word 'flexible' except my company. I am just hearing 'no, no, no'. I am flabbergasted over the fact that small mom and pop shops are caring for their employees and have means to work from home when we are all in limbo right now. How can a country that prides itself on being the best at everything always seem to fail their people?

I am not the greatest with words. I keep thinking maybe someday someone will read this and think, man she is a great writer, why doesn't she do this full time? Then I think man, full time with my thoughts, really? I love that I have an outlet though. Maybe no one will ever read this, but my words are out of my system. My thoughts are running on this page and running out of my head. Maybe that will help me sleep. Maybe I won't go into work and be a complete bitch. One way or another, I still have to go, still do the career I love doing even if the people above me don't think it's important to stay home for the time being. I am essential. At least that's what I am being told. 

I Like to Write:: Judge Much?!?

I've been thinking about this for a while. I really only have 2 people that call me out on my mouth. But then I was thinking most of the time it comes off as judgement when I am really in awe of the person talking. I just can't believe what they are telling me and my reaction comes out as judgmental. Over the weekend talking schedules, it came out again, I really just don't know how some people do the schedules they set up for themselves. In the world of busy kids and other lives, when do you enjoy the family and just time sitting around.  But then again I know there are people out there when our schedule begins that thinks the same as us, they just aren't as blunt as I am about it. There are times when we are busy and I start feeling like a single parent and get frustrated. Then I look at my single mom friends and think they are actually doing this and doing it well. I know we are all different and we all are happy with different ways of life but sometimes I let my mouth drop and my eyes pop wondering how and why they do it. But thankful for me the few people that my judgy eyes do prey upon either call me out on it or know that its not them I am judging but know for a fact that I couldn't be strong enough to deal with the life they have chosen.  

I Like Writing:: True Love

True Love.
I love seeing true love.
Yesterday our family laid a great man to rest.
Within the eulogy his kids wrote their favorite things of him and his favorite things.
The man of the day, stated once he wouldn't be able to live without his wife.
His children are thankful he didn't need to.
He is currently in heaven with other relatives and we are rejoicing that he is no longer in pain.
His true love is now on her own to find life without him.
She will be reunited with him one day.
God's love is precious.
God's path for us is unwavering.
God's knowledge of what we can do and how much we can be pushed.
True Love.


Is it selfish that the whole time my pastor was speaking about the love of this couple, that I couldn't help but think of my marriage? I kept sneaking glances of my handsome husband in his suit. I kept thinking of the 15 years we've been together and how strong we are together. I kept thinking, what would I do if God forbid I need to continue life without him. I thanked God for bringing him into my life when he did, when I was ready to meet someone, when I was ready to accept that he was what I needed. As we have conquered our first year of marriage, which they say is the hardest year. We have worked together to tackle school, kids, and busy schedules. I've had him in my life for 15 years, does he think of me the same as I do as him? Thankful. Thankful that I like my husband. Thankful that my friend is also my companion. Thankful that my soul lies within him.

Yesterday was an example of that. We are surrounded by strong marriages. We are surrounded by a strong family. We are surrounded by love that lasts through bad, good, and everything in between. The love of the marriage that went through 40 plus years, many ups and downs, and yet through it all, their love of God and their children that their love will continue.

I am thankful that I have found my person. I am thankful that during times of sorrow like yesterday, that he will grab my hand and look at me with love. Yesterday he made my heart melt when he grabbed my hand, smiled, and told me not to judge him as he ate another piece of pie. Little moments like that, I hope my children see so that when we go to be in heaven with those before us, that love kept us going, through the hard and terrible times life throws at us to those that we are laughing and giggling the night away.

True Love.

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

Stephen's been gone for 3 days and finally quit bugging me. Well I shouldnt calling it bugging, since I dont mind him calling or texting but it was a lot for a busy conference. The last conference he went to I only heard from him after dinner and sometimes in the mornings. Today I got a 'good morning I love you' text and he has been silence since. Gerald let me go a few hours early. He goes to court tomorrow so he is game planning with the other partners. I am not needed thankfully. I need to go to Stephen's and clean up. I spent last night there and I left my make up and stuff all over the bathroom. He'll be home tomorrow sometime. Although I am over there a good bit, I usually dont leave it a horrible mess. 

I havent heard from Jake and I dont really want to. I dont know how to tell him that I think friends is all we will ever be. Spending last night at stephens, sleeping in one of his shirts, it just felt right, like its home. he's been on me for months to move in and get rid of my place. Last night i thought about that alot. I was going to talk to him about that last night but he was rushed with dinner so we didnt talk long. 

I stop by my place and the store. I am going to sleep at Stephen's again tonight. He said there was a possibility he could be home early Friday morning so i might see him before i go in. 

I am shocked when I get there and his royal blue F150 is sitting in the driveway. I jump out and run to the door. I have never been so excited for him to be home. He meets me at the door, hugging me tight. 

"You're home" He kisses the top of my head, "I like that you called this home" 

Man, I think I've screwed this up. I never meant for him to think I didn't want to be here. He drags me in the house and shows me how much he missed me. 

I knew I needed to talk to Jacob. I couldn't ruin a wonderful thing with Stephen over a relationship I didn't have any faith in. A relationship I would continue to question where he was and who he was with. I didn't do that 5 years ago and it burned me. Jacob was just one person that trusting was going to take a lot out of him. I trust Stephen, love him, and want to see where this goes. 

I Like Writing:: Stephen's POV

This conference couldn't have happened at a worse time. Emma is back at home with that dickweed sniffing around. I have been gone 2 days, the first day i bugged the fuck out of her with texts, reminding her i am here. The second day, at lunch she politely asked me to give her a few hours, Gerald had her doing something that needed her full concentration. I should be concentrating on the topic at hand and networking for the firm but my mind in on her. I had her almost living with me. I have a ring with her name on it. I have a big house that you can see the little changes she made to make it a home. My first marriage should have never happened. Two kids right out of high school, when I met Emma a year ago I could feel it. She's been pushing for answers but I was hoping she could wait until I was planning to propose. 

I called the firm today to confirm my fight home. Leaving early wasnt exactly what the other partners wanted to hear but I need to see if she's moved the little bit she has in my house out. I keep thinking this will be it. She will choose him. I have never been this insecure but this asshole has a hold over her. She's been hesitate to move forward, almost claiming she wants casual. We work. We work better than most couples I know that have been together for years. 

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

"So your boss keeps you late when he stays late?" Jake questions. I like that he's curious. 

"Sometimes, I help with research and google. He's like 70 and knows how to but doesnt like to. He usually shouts out random thoughts I google, look up law stuff, or just write it down for later. " Jake takes a breathe "What?"

"I thought asshole was keeping you late so you couldnt be around. I thought he was your boss." It's so hard not to touch him when he's this close. I know I shouldn't but my freaking body doesnt listen. I scoot closer, take his hand, look into his eyes. Now I know why he's curious. He thinks Im spending all this time with Stephen. 

"Well asshole left super early for a conference in Denver. He isnt my boss.  I havent spent much time with him either, his case load and my boss's schedule. And now he's gone for a week." 

"So you've been busy?" I guess he thinks now I have just been avoiding him. Truth, yea a little, I dont know where we go from here. I dont know if I want to take the jump. I dont know if I can. Before Stephen left for Denver, he made me promise to not make any decisions without him and to think of what I really want. He has texted me a lot since this morning just checking in. I can't say he hasnt given everything I should want from a man. 

"Yea Jake, I've been busy, I am trying to build a career. Remember school for four years? This is why. I am just an assistant now, but I am building good contacts." I dont know why I am getting defenseful but what does he expect. This is one of the reasons we didnt work, one of the constant fights we had senior year, I was leaving, he was staying. 

"You're right. I know that. I guess I just figured if you wanted to see me, you'd find the time." 

"That's the thing with these cases and the load my boss takes. There are weeks I am a straight 9 to 5 sometimes shorter days and there are times like now that I dont get out until late." I am really hating myself for what i am getting ready to say but maybe i need to put it out there. "That's why it works with Stephen, he understands the hours, most of the time he's got his own crazy hours." His face drops. I just dont know how this can work. I dont trust him. We would have to begin all over and I know it would take me a long time to want to take it to the next step. He wants to get married now I am sure. He keeps pushing for it. He gets up. I follow his lead. He kisses my forehead. 

"I should go. You've had a long day and I have an early morning." I know that I just pushed him and I don't know if I can handle this being final. He is gone like he was never here and I cry. I cry for the last 5 years. I cry for a beginning I wish I could make happen. I wish I could forget that he hurt me so much. 

Stephen calls later, telling about his day and how much he misses me. I miss him too. I am at his house a lot, I haven't been there in almost a week. I feel empty for him and I haven't felt that in a long time. I think I would miss him so much if I gave him up for something i am not sure i can make work. It should be easy right? My love with Jake has been so hard. 

I Like Writing:: Jacob's POV

I have talked to Emma a few times in the past few weeks but nothing serious. She hasnt surprised me with a visit and she knows Ethan's schedule now so I know that isnt keeping her away. I think lawyer boy is keeping her busy. She's mentioned working late a few nights when I am home. Eric brings me a beer and sits on the couch. The game isnt keeping my interest. Eric knows I am distracted.

"just go see her man, its thursday night why is she working at 7 o'clock and more importantly who is walking her out in the dark? I would be damned if my girl would be in a parking garage alone. Stupid shit happens."

"I dont think i'd get in, sure the doors lock at a certain time. "

"Stand by her car." He rolls his eyes. I try not to act like he just had an incredible idea but I waste no time getting my keys and moving towards the door. It'll take me a while to get there, if her car isnt in the garage, ill stop by her house. 

I watch her long legs walk out of the small door to the parking garage. She looks beautiful in a tight skirt and dress jacket on. Her feet have high heel boots that go up to her knee. She's looking all around, very aware, you can tell she isnt comfortable. There's an old guard in a small closed in closet thing but he looks like he's asleep. I move forward so she'll see me. No way am i going to try to scare the shit out of her, she already looks spooked. 

"Hey" She smiles at me. She relaxes instantly, I can see her rigid stance soften. Where is the stupid boyfriend, even if he's working he should stop to take her to her car. 

"Hey," Suddenly, I dont know what i am going to say or why I am here. What if she doesnt want me here. What if she's decided reconnecting isnt a good thing? "I hadnt really heard from you so I thought what the hell, why not stop by?" 

"And you knew I'd be here huh?" She's moved closer, I can smell her perfume. God I miss her. 

"I took a guess, every time I've texted you, you've been working." I hesitate, not sure she'll like whats coming next out of my mouth "And its dark out, time's changed, wheres that asshole boyfriend, why are you walking out here by yourself?" Her eyebrows narrow. 

"All good points. But I've been walking myself out to my car for years, Fred is there in that shack looking thing if I would yell, and you are here so I think I am good." She moves to her car, unlocks it and swings her big bag in front seat. "I was going to stop by missy's for dinner and to visit with my god daughter but if you want to follow me home, I can skip tonight." Heaven to my ears. 

Back at her house, she disappears down a hallway and returns in yoga pants and a tank top. Yoga pants got to be God's way of taking care of men everywhere. Her ass looks great and I know she knows it. "Sorry I dont have any food if you're hungry, I was planning on going to missy's. She takes care of me most nights even with a newborn. No clue how she does it."

"Her husband doesn't mind you over all the time?" I need to get to know these people. Her friends need to know I am a good guy and that I would be good for her. 

"No, I am like a sister to him and I usually do the dishes so he basically plays with the baby now and watches tv. Sorry I havent really been in touch, the lawyer I work for has me busy with a few big cases, usually i do more admin duties but sometimes he demands I am there when he is to call people or do some research." She sits by me on the couch and curls her feet under her butt. 

"No biggy, I just wanted to see you. Honestly i was getting on Eric's nerves with trying to figure out if you are trying to end this new friendship we have or not. with the radio silence its been killing me." I need to let her know i am aching for her. She needs to feel my want. 

"I've just been busy, there are times i only work 5 or 6 hours and then something like this happens and I work 12-14 a day. But its really nice to hear you missed me. I missed talking to you a lot too. "

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

That is the million dollar question. "Do I want to get back with Jacob?" I dont even know that. I just stare at him. I dont know what to say or how to put it. 

"He did didnt he, he has you thinking that you two can live happily ever after. Didn't he have a baby with someone else?" He's eerily calm. He did hit right where he needed to. He reminded me yet again that i was cheated on and that i didnt get the guy in the end. 

"You know what, forget it, I was trying to have a serious conversation about our future and all you want to do is bring up my past. I told you about the past so you knew why i was hesitant. I dont want to hear what he can give me, I want to hear what you can give me" I stand up and go to the bedroom. I am done with it.  I should have known better, he hasnt talked about it for a year, why should he want to talk about it now when i am being insecure.  I just want to forget I tried. 

I soak in the tub, maybe he'll be in his office or asleep by the time i get out. not like i can go anywhere tonight. i cant believe he basically said 'been there done that' about marriage. plenty of people have been married more than once. I soak until the water is cold and i am wrinkly. I stall in the bathroom as long as I can. 

He's sitting on the bed facing the bathroom door when I open it. He looks at me like he's been thinking. He looks like he has a lot to say but I guess me being in a bath towel isnt the best time. He stands and comes towards me. I know I have created doubt in him and in this relationship. I know that I am bringing up feelings that might break us. He takes a hand around my back and pulls me towards him, kissing my neck. I give in to my feelings for him and the future I want us to have. I want us to succeed but can that happen with Jacob around? 

The next week, having lunch with Missy, I decide to tell her what has been going on. To be honest i Have been avoiding her because she's rooting for Jacob so badly. I fill her in on what Stephen said about the future. She just laughs. She laughs. 

"So you started hounding Stephen about the future and he went all cave man, "she deepens her voice, "I want my woman, dont touch my woman, on you?" I nod. "He's afraid Jacob is going to steal you away. He's afraid that even though jacob did you completely wrong, you still love him and he wont win."

"I dont know. I havent brought anything up since that night. It was a great night that had me sore the next day so yay for me. But he still hasnt said if babies and stuff is in the future."

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

Walking into my office Monday morning, I find flowers. Wild flowers. I haven't gotten flowers in years. Stephen walks in behind me, "Hey, you all caught up on your sleep? You want to have dinner tonight?" He eyeballs the flowers, "Who are they from?" I figured they were from him. Who else would send me flowers? 

"I'm guessing that means not from you." I take the card from the little holder. For the best girl I know, Love Jacob. I smile,  turning back towards Stephen, "They're from a friend." 

He lifts an eyebrow and eye balls me, "A friend that recently got divorced?" Ding, ding, ding. 

"That would be the one. He's been wanting to get together. Listen, I've been wanting to talk to you about all of this. You said dinner tonight right? We can talk tonight, " Better to get this over with. If he cant give me a future, then maybe we aren't meant to be. I don't need a ring, it would just be nice to hear, I would like to marry you someday. 

I text Jake and thank him for the flowers, he only responded 'anything for you beautiful' at lunchtime and I havent heard anything since. He doesnt have his son this week so I know he is working 10 to 12 hour days. 

I am nervous. I know Stephen is going to know this is all coming from Jake and me reconnecting. He was quiet all through dinner, sitting on the couch I curl my feet under my butt and get comfy. 

"Where do you see us going Stephen?" I just dive right in. 

"To the bedroom," he smirks. "Unless you want to go out." He takes a drink of his beer never leaving my gaze. 

"You know what I mean." "Emma I have asked you several times to move in, you are the one that wont. You are the one that wont stay longer than a night here or there because you dont want to get to close. Now you want me to explain to you where we are going." He's mad. I dont blame him, he hasnt said anything wrong. He finishes his beer and stands, I am assuming to get another. 

"Do you ever think of getting married again?" 

"Not really, I do from time to time." He grabs my legs and starts rubbing my feet. "I was married for almost 10 years Em, I am thankful we didnt have any children in that mess of a divorce. Where is this coming from? 2 weeks ago you were confident about us, now you want to get married? Lover boy from high school has you wanting things is that it?" He begins taunting me. 

"I dont know. Maybe. I went to talk to him. When it ended, it really didnt end well. We didnt talk about it, I just left. I said we were over and I left for college. I always thought by now I would be married with a baby on the way or at least thinking about kids."

"So what did this talk do? You want him back?"

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

It took about 14 hours but Kennedy Rose finally came. Missy did great. It was an experience I will never forget. I kept my word texting Jake updates and he would text me joke and meme's making me laugh. Stephen only replied with 'come home afterwards,' like I was going to a meeting. I didnt hear from him until I texted to tell him I felt gross and was going home. Granted it was 7 in the morning and he was on his way to work, I wouldnt be seeing him anyways. I called in and went home to sleep. 

I woke to pictures of Kennedy Rose, updates on her and momma, and a text from Jake, "how are you doing after your long night?" I ignored all and took a shower. I wanted to clean up to go see my new baby. 

"Honey, she is gorgeous." I held the baby and loved all over her. Makes me want one. By the time I left the hospital Jake had sent me a couple more texts. I hadnt responded. I didnt know where to go from here. We arent dating. Talking everyday seemed weird with my relationship status. I know he wanted more. I didnt know if I could. 

I went straight to Stephen's after visiting Missy. I hadnt really talked to him in about 3 days and hadnt seen him since that last visit that we didnt talk. He's busy with a big case. He isnt talking about the case, just lots of work. I'm kinda in the mood to push buttons. Why us women get in these moods, no clue, I know its all Jake's fault. I have him breathing down my neck about a future and I have his wonderful man that barely wants to talk about plans on the weekend. 

He's in his office but stops working to come to me when I arrive. I get wrapped in his arms almost immediately with his face in my hair. "So how's the new baby?" he asks.

"Shes beautiful just like her momma." He has opens the gates. I hope he knows what state of mine a woman gets in when around a new baby. "It felt great holding her. It made me start thinking about when it will be my turn. Not soon but someday." I try to not make it sound urgent but I need his thoughts. We have been together almost a year and he doesn't talk marriage or when we have kids. I know he's already done the marriage thing, but I haven't. 

"That's natural." He begins kissing my neck. "So what do you want for dinner? Or you want to skip dinner?" He completely ignored my comment. I pull back. 

"Stephen, I don't think I am going to stay. It's been a long 2 days and I still haven't caught up on my sleep."

"So stay here, I will wear you out and you can sleep in, tomorrow is Saturday, you have no where to be." He starts to push me towards the bedroom. I can't sleep with him. I dont know why, okay I know why. I feel like I am cheating on Jake. I am not even with him. I felt like for a year after we broke up every time I spent time with a guy. Here I am doing it all over again. But with our talk last night and the texting, it feels like he's back. 

"I can't Stephen" He looks at me. I know what he's thinking. He's assuming its my time of the month because I used the word can't. 

I Like Writing:: Jacob's POV

Em: I heard from a birdie, your son went back to 'his witch of a mother'-the birdie's words not mine. So thought maybe I'd come over if you didn't have plans. 
I have no words. It's been a week since I heard anything from her. I figured I would see if I could get her address from her mother this weekend and take a drive. I owe Eric a six pack. I know somehow he's involved with this. She pulls in within 20 minutes of the text I returned so she must have been on her way. She knows I wouldn't deny her. 

"I just figured we havent had a complete conversation yet. And it would be good if we had a full conversation." She's babbling. "Truth," She raises her eyebrows, "That would be nice," I state, it would be nice to know what brought her by. 

She takes a big breath, "I cant stop hating you and loving you at the same time. I am with this really good guy and I havent even talked to him in 2 days because yesterday Eric bombarded me with his opinion and my mind is going a mile a minute." I knew Eric had something to do with this visit. Did he spook her? Did he tell her how miserable I've been?

"So what did Eric have to say?" I guide her to my couch. She needs to sit. 

"That I needed to look you in the eyes and tell myself that I either did or didnt still love you. He also said that that night he was putting crap in your head about us and you being stupid believed him so he blames himself for Shelly. I have always questioned how she just happened to get pregnant the only night you were together. Almost like she knew she could get you at the moment without ya'll using anything. So much has been going on in my mind."

"I've wondered the same thing for a long time but after so long I gave up trying to figure her out and just moved on. I needed to take care of her and Ethan. And I know Eric blames himself but I did what I did, he didnt whip out my penis and shove it in her," She grabs a hold of my knee and shakes her head, "Too much Jake." 

I take the opportunity the take a hold of her hand. I take my hand and lift her chin to make her look at me. "Baby, I have always taken full responsibility, however  I have always loved you. I have regretted not keeping you for 5 years. The fact that you are here makes me happy. The fact that you are in my home gives me hope. Now did Eric say anything else I need to clear up?" I grin at her. 

"Nothing other than that you had Ethan this week. How was that? On your own with him? Are you two doing okay?" Gosh, she just got me in the heart, worried about my boy. She hasnt let go of my hand. She has scooted closer. We talk for a few hours. We catch up like old friends. I make her laugh. I was always good at that. It's one of the reasons she always told me she loved me. Her phone chimes. I get up to give her some space. 

"I gotta go. Missy thinks her water broke, I am one of the people in the room with her. She and her husband are on the way to the hospital and I am already a hour away." She seems like she isnt happy about leaving. A baby should make you happy. 

"You wanna keep me up to date on that baby. I can keep you company through the breathing stuff she'll do." I walk her to the door. 

"Yea, I'll text ya." She turns to leave then turns back to me, "Listen, thanks for tonight. I really didnt know what would happen coming here tonight just after Eric's visit I wanted to see you. It feels like old times but not, you know?" I nod. I know exactly what she is saying. 

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

A week later I am coming out of a meeting when I spot Eric in the lobby. I havent spoken to him since high school. He came to Jacob's defense right before I left. He told me a little about that night. He wanted to apologize for encouraging Jacob to drink so much. He took the blame for everything. He's always been a good friend of Jacob's and I am thankful he had someone to help him when he was learning to be a dad. 

I smile as we make eye contact. I am guessing he's here to defend his best friend again. He stands from his seat and comes over to me. "Boy am I glad to see you. I wasnt sure where to find you and my good looks didnt work with the receptionist." He laughs. "Can we have lunch?" His eyebrows shoot up as he asks the question. 

"Sure, come with me to my hole in the wall first so I can get my purse." He follows me to the elevator. We go up to the fifth floor and to my little space. I am kinda nervous not making him wait in the lobby, I am giving him more answers to give to Jacob. He'll know exactly where to find me if he chooses. I have a text and a voicemail, both from Stephen. He wants to me to come over tonight, his meetings are running long and no time to chat until then. Eric acts like he couldnt hear the voicemail as it played but I can tell he heard. 

"So lunch huh?" I finally break the ice.

"Yea, long over due don't ya think?" He's always been easy going, funny, and loyal to a fault. 

We cross the street to the deli and get a table. 

"Ok, sooo we haven't had a chat in 5 years, I have a yelling match with Jake last week and you show up again. What's up?" I begin eating my sandwich. I know he's going to make me lose my appetite, I need to eat before that happens. I have at least 6 more hours at work. 

"The lawyer, that serious?" What is up with their obsession with Stephen? I dated casually all through college, where were they then? 

"Yea you could say that. We've been dating almost a year, since I got the job. Jacob send you? Is he okay?" I worry about him even though I dont see why I should. 

"He doesnt have a clue I am here. He's fine. He's in a 'I love this girl who hates me' daze but he's fine." My stomach starts churning. I knew he was going to make me feel horrible. "Listen, he told me about the talk. Sounded intense. But I am glad you all got it out, it was a long time coming. He was stupid but I already told you that was my fault. Egging him on, making him think you didnt want him so that he would see how awesome single life was. He got roped into all that because I was a dick." His eyes are so sincere. I know he believes this should all be on him. 

"Eric what do you want me to do? We just aren't made for each other. We are still in two different spots in life. He needs to focus on his family, " he leans in and looks around and says "I believe that family is you. He needs to focus on you. He focused on Ethan this week, tomorrow he goes back to his witch of a mother. Go see him. Look in his eyes and then tell yourself that its over."

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

Kissing. We are kissing. I pull back " I am not a cheater Jake." I say it before I think. I don't want to throw it up again in his face but a spade is a spade. 

"I'm sorry. I know you are not a cheater and I havent done anything remotely close for almost 5 years. I barely even had sex when I was married. And I haven't since we separated. Every woman, every set of eyes, every laugh is compared to you. I am not that kid anymore. I am not jealous of your success. I am not mad you left anymore. I was mad. I never had a shot at college or the life of care free teenager. You not going that night was a slap to me. You didnt want to be with me. You didnt want to hang on my arm. Proud to be my girl." He thinks I wasnt proud. God, we had more problems than we even knew back then. We would have never made it. 

"Jake, I dont know what to say to that. We were together for two years if you didnt think I was proud to be with you, then maybe it was for the best we went our separate ways because I am with someone now that doesnt doubt me." I stand up to leave. This is going no where. We are just talking in circles. "I am happy you are in a good place." I repeat. God, I feel like that's all I can say anymore. "I dont come home often so I shouldn't see you much but if I do please know that we are good. We need to be." I leave. He doesnt try to stop me, again. I hate to admit that I am a little disappointed at that. 

I find Stephen sitting on my porch reading something on his phone. "And what do I owe this pleasure?" I hate that my heart isnt in this visit. "I wanted to see you." He stands up and kisses my cheek. 

"You could have gone inside."

"It's beautiful out and I have only been here a few minutes. Sit with me." We sit in silence for a good while, he continues to read something on his phone and I just stare into the distance. My phone keeps going and I keep ignoring it. "Babe, you going to get that?" "Nope, I was on the phone all day at work, it can wait for awhile. I'm enjoying just stopping for a minute."

He finally leaves after an hour of talking about nothing. He knows I am not feeling company. I could see it in his eyes. He doesnt know why, I am usually eager for him to be around since we are always fighting for time but I just want to sleep right now. 

My phone has 5 messages from an unknown number. 
            Unknown: I'm sorry about tonight
            Unknown: I will always love you. This cant be the end of us.
            Unknown: Please text me back to know I didnt screw it up 5 years ago.
            Unknown: Don't kill your mom for giving me your number. I just wanted to tell you one more time that I love you incase this is the end.
           Unknown: Goodnight. I wont message again. 

I slide down off my couch and sit on the floor. Damn it. I was so sure I could forget I had any communication with him tonight. He makes my heart ache. He has always been a sore spot in the center of my chest. 

I Like Writing:: Jacob's POV

I shake my head. She doesnt get it. I dont give a damn about how Stephen acted. What I give a damn about is can I get her back? 

"Em, I couldn't give two shits how professional he was. He did his job, I am divorced. I should have never gotten married. My ass should have been at that college every second I wasn't working trying to convince you to give me a chance. I didn't. That's on me." I pound my open hand into my check. "I should have explained to you that night that I didn't remember going to bed with her because I was so drunk and mad because you didn't come out. I should have told you how much I love you and that I could never see myself with anyone else and shocked myself when I woke up with her." Her face goes white. I have never talked about any of these details. She has no clue what I went through that night in my mind. She doesn't know that I hate myself for allowing myself to fall. She sits on the couch, head down and looks on the verge of tears. I kneel in front of her. "What I didn't tell you is that no matter what you will always be my heart."

"But you slept with her, you had a baby with her. Cheated, that's what you did. You broke every vow we made to each other for the future. I didn't even want to touch you after you told me what you did. I felt like I was touching her instead." God, how I wish we would have done this five years ago. 

"I loved you, I love you now. Will you ever forgive me? Will you ever be able to trust me again? I have your heart, I know I do. Your eyes tell me that you miss me. You miss me as much as I miss you. I cant change what happened but I can promise you that it will never happen again. I know that is an empty promise but I will proof it everyday." 

"I really wish it were that easy. In my mind I just keep replaying that night. You telling me about the baby. Your beautiful son. I do miss you, miss us. I think I always will. I know I keep saying it, but I am in a good place. You seem like you are too." I shake my head "Not without you. I have never been in a good place without you." She stops playing with her nail and looks me in the eye "Except when you were fucking the school whore, right?" She's finally getting angry. She needs to yell at me. I know my girls temper. She needs to let it out. "Jacob, how can I even think of being back here in this town when everyone knows it was her that broke us? How can I face her at school functions with your son? How can I think you'll never get mad at me and drink until you are oblivious to know who you are in bed with?" She stands. "You were mad? I was mad too! I told you I didn't want to go out. I told you that I needed to focus on a finishing the year strong. You never once thought that I was trying to better myself to better us. You were selfish, mad because I was leaving, I had all intentions of coming back and never leaving again. " She's out of breath. I do the only thing I can think of and kiss her with all I have. 

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

I must be crazy. No, no must about it I am. I called my mom and got Jake's address. We need to talk. I wasn't in any shape at the club a few weeks ago and then he completely shocked me at work. There was no way to get into with Stephen right there. 

She informed me where he is living now and also that he wouldn't have his son. She said and I agreed that there was no reason to cause drama around his little boy. So here I am, knocking on his door. I am nervous, my hands are sweating, and there are butterflies in my belly. 

He answers the door with wide eyes. I know I probably have shocked him. I have shocked myself. "Em, what are you doing here?" After what seems like hours of staring at each other he speaks.

"Um, well, I figured since you know I am close again and we keep running into each other it was time to talk. We need to be able to be in the same place without it being weird." He moves out of the way of the door and allows me in. I am taken back about home comfy it is. Dark furniture and light walls. You can tell a family lives here. I have lived in my place for almost a year and the walls are still bare, he has so many pictures lining his. Lots of him and his son, from birth until what I am assuming is recent. I move into the living room. A picture on his mantle has my attention: our prom picture. "Jake" He comes up behind me. He lays his hands on my hips. 

"I put it out when I moved in. There are a few more in my bedroom. I didnt want Ethan to ask too many questions at this point. Right now he just knows you as a friend of daddy's. Figured its too complicated to explain the whole situation to a 4 year old." He chuckles. 

I move away from him. He grabs my arm, pulls me close, "I am so sorry. I keep thinking about that night 5 years ago. I was so lost. I was stupid. I just didnt know how to do it all."

"Yea me too. Listen I just wanted to let you know that I'm not mad anymore. I just wanted you to know that I am happy for you and glad you got to spend the time with your son and that I am doing well. I feel like we never really discussed anything but I needed to let you know that I good with life right now. And I am sorry about Stephen the other day." I need to get it over with and get home. I don't want to end up really hashing out the last 5 years or talking about what could have happened. He lets me go at the mention of Stephen. 

"You're serious about this guy? This guy is your guy huh?" He smirks. All of that and he wants to focus on Stephen. 

"Yea I am. I mean he's a good guy. I am sorry how he acted the other day in the office. He is usually very professional with his clients." 

I Like Writing:: Jacob's POV

"Ma! Ma!" I yell. I am not mad. I just want to know answers. I know she knows. Linda and she are working together I know it. Why else would she send me to that lawyer a hour away? To run into her why. And then the disaster that happened today happened. That dickhead lawyer came back out without her. He didn't even knowledge that he had came and took her away from me. Then I signed my paperwork and left. Divorced. Ready to get back in touch with Emma. Ready to see if it can work with us. I never fought for us. Eighteen and scared, not knowing how I was going to support my child. 

Mom comes from the kitchen, smile on her face until she sees my panic. "Whats going on Jacob? Is Ethan okay?" Of course, I am scaring her. She probably thinks Shelly has done something. 

"I signed my final papers today. I am divorced." I want her to know I went to that lawyers office today. For months now she has been hiding that she knows where she is working. She knew she was throwing me to the wolves. What would have happened if I hadn't have ran into her in that club? Shock, it would have been shock to the tenth power today. 

"Well that's good. You can move on, start dating. I hate that we never could get along but you know I didn't agree how that all went down honey. Come on, I made brownies, come get some to take home to Ethan." She acts if I didn't just tell her where I had been. 

"Ma, I didn't know you knew someone that worked at that building with the fancy lawyer. " That got her. She starts busying herself, at the sink, back towards me. 

"Oh is that right? Well I told you he came highly recommended."

"From Linda right Ma. Linda told you that Em was working there, in that building. Did you know she's dating that lawyer?" She turns toward me. I sit at the table. Hands in my head, I feel like I just got all my hope back and its been torn right from me. 

"She's not happy. Linda keeps telling me she's not happy. We just thought." She makes me look at her by pausing. I know she wants it to be all alright but it being shoved in my face didn't help. "Honey, she's still upset. We think that she wouldn't still be upset if she still didn't love you in some way. I just thought a little push and she'd see you and stars, lightning, all that jazz and it would open it up for a talk."

I feel for her. She loves Emma. She always thought we'd be back together. I gave her a year. For a year, I waited for her to come back home and tell me she wanted me back. I waited, I was stupid. I should have went to her, bugged the fuck out of her until she just talked to me. Once Ethan came my priorities changed. I needed to take care of him. When he was 6 months old, there had been no sight of Emma here for over a year, I asked Shelly to marry me. 

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

Stephen with his arm around my waist guides me into the conference room. I hate that I lost my cool and I am pretty sure I was loud. "So that's someone you know?" he questions. 

"A friend from home that I haven't seen in a few years." He lifts his eyebrow, I have to remember this isn't his first rodeo. He's older, been there done that. "Ok. We might have dated in high school too." He wraps his arms around me. 

"Em," I hate when he calls me by my nickname. No one does. Well not no one, only Jacob, but no one here calls me that. "Is he bothering you? He's just here to sign his divorce papers. He'll be gone in a few minutes. Damn guy doesn't have a fax or scanner so had to do it the old fashion way." He rarely says anything about his clients to me. He must want to make sure he is the better man in this situation. 

"No it just shocked me to see him here. Wait," I look him in the eyes, "he's the divorce you've been working on?"

"Yea, it was a simple one. Quick. Listen, do you want me to kick him out of the building?" He's really concerned. Not sure if its more of the I got upset or the ex boyfriend that is bothering him but he wants to take care of me. 

"No, finish your business with him. I don't want to run into him again though." He hugs me, kisses my forehead and walks out the door. I count to 50 before I move, I know Stephen will move him into his office and I can go back down to my little corner without being seen. He doesn't know where I work at in this building and there are plenty of floors. 

Later, I am getting out of the shower when Stephen walks in. He has a key to my house so after this afternoon I shouldn't be surprised that he showed up. 

"So bad break up?" He cuts right to the chase. He's never played games and doesn't like beating around the bush. We don't argue much for this. We discuss, get the feelings out and move on. 

"Uh, yea, you could say that. You know high school sweethearts, thought we would get married and all that. It didn't go as planned." I try to end it there but he moves me to my bed and we sit. He takes my hair out of my messy bun, runs his fingers through it and looks me in the eye. "I'm sorry baby." Not what I was expecting at all. 

"So you good now? He's still in that small hick town of yours right? Not like he'll be around here to make you uncomfortable anymore." 

"Yea, sure, I'm good. He hasn't upset me really. Just a shock to see him. We really didn't discuss much when we broke up, just that it couldn't work out. After that I was on my way to college and I blocked him from all communication." I look into his green eyes. I just want him to know I am fine. I don't want him worrying about us. We are good. 

He leans me back and makes me forget my day easily. Now to discuss with my mother how he got information on that lawyer office. 

I Like Writing:: Jacob's POV

It's been two weeks since that night at the club. Once she ran out, I made Eric leave and take me home. Recapped everything for him. He couldn't believe she was there. Yea buddy me either. Mom finally confessed she knew she was close, damn Linda was her best friend, of course she knew. I just never asked. I just assumed she stayed put after graduating. Mom says she has an entry level position at a business somewhere and she is really happy. Exactly what you want to here about your girl. Really happy. 

Ethan starts school soon, pre-K, I cannot believe we are this point. Seems like yesterday he was just learning to roll over, then crawl. It goes so fast. I am thankful I have been here for all of it. We finally closed on my house. I have boxes every where, trying to organize and see what I need to buy. Some of the guys from the shop are coming by tomorrow to help with big stuff. 

I have to travel to the lawyers office this afternoon to sign the last of the paperwork. Once that is signed, I will officially be divorced and Shelly can kiss my ass. I got the custody I wanted and she got the house. I am in a good place, that phrase keeps entering my mind. What the hell did she mean by it? Does it mean there's a guy making her happy? 

I get off the elevator and see her. What in the hell? She's got a black skirt on, red shirt, and fuck me red high heels. She looks gorgeous. Her head is back, laughter coming out of that mouth. 

"Can you tell Stephen I will be back for our dinner plans?" I hear her ask the secretary. 

"Oh I am sure he won't let you miss those. He'll probably make me buzz you to remind you once he finishes with his last client. Have a good evening."  I stay where I am, hoping she'll come by me so I can see her better. She works here? She's seeing someone who works here? Stephen, my lawyer, Stephen?

She starts in my direction, our eyes meet. She's not grinning this time. Her face looks like she could kill me. She quickly grabs my arm and moves me towards the elevator. "What in the hell are you doing here?" She asks. Man she wants me gone. 

"I have an appointment with my lawyer. What are you doing here?" I know its obvious what shes doing here, but what the hell she can tell me. I put my hands in my pockets and tilt back on my heels waiting. I stare. I stare hard. 

"I work here Jacob. My place of work. My area. My space." She hisses. She is about to turn when a hand comes to her waist. Stephen. 

"Mr. Williamson," he holds out his free hand and shakes mine. "If you could give me a moment I will  be right with you." He eyes Emma, he nudges his head towards a door. I guess he wants to talk to her. He could do it right here, I would tell him exactly who I am and how we know each other. 

Jackass still has his arm around her waist when they disappear in that room.