So for the past 2 weeks our schools have been shut down, businesses are slowly shutting down, roadways are bare. Today, I had my fill and I allowed my kids to not worry about their distant learning plan and to play or watch videos while I had a mini break down. How am I going to have enough leave for April thru August of no school. We have no sitter and that's for a good reason. Last year we survived the summer without one. My work thankfully allows me to flex my schedule so that I am able to be home in the evenings for bus duty. My husband is working one of the jobs that has him in direct contact with patients. Patients carrying what, we don't know, but he's still coming home and into the house so I am happy. I am fighting with work to allow me home on the days he is at work at least until this social distancing plan is over to try to save leave. My dad is up for surgery sometime in the summer and he'll need care for at least a week. I haven't seen my sisters and as much as they irk me sometimes, I am missing them something fierce.
So today, I broke. My husband went to work, I sat on the couch until I had had my limit and I excused myself to the bathroom. A very good friend of mine let me bug her texting like crazy until it was all out while I cried my heart out.
After 20 minutes of self loathing, I picked myself up, thanked my friend for her ears and started the dishwasher. My kids, thankfully, don't know and don't need to know. Why do parents feel the need to put their stress on their kids anyways?
Ever wonder why we have so many kids who are all into their feelings, stressed out, and need to be in the guidance counselors office all day? Because parents put too much on their shoulders. My kids without even knowing it made the day a little better with hugs and not fighting. My husband, he knows I had a stressed day but do I really need to put this on him either? Some might think so, but me, not me, because he knows I have had rough days, he knows what I am stressing about. I actually freak out better with him gone, I can do it get it over with and move on. I seriously think he's had his fill, he's stressed too trying not to get coughed on or spit on so he has a better chance of not getting sick. So am I allowed to have a moment? I think so. I think I needed today. I needed to be able to get stuck in my head, cry, and plan. My husband is very aware of my plans, my kids know I am home when I need to be, and my family thinks all is well because of my job. I'm thankful for the few people I have really leaned on these past few days so I can vent and be angry.
Now, now its time to do the moving on part. I need to return to work, I need to calculate my leave and count his days of work. I need to keep my mouth shut and work without argument or a smart ass comment. Now is the time to sit in my cube with my earbuds in and ignore the outside. I know it won't be easy but I have a month maybe two of this social distancing and I will be able to hopefully get a little normal back into my routine. My kids have school work to get done, zoom meetings, and hopefully lots of positive family time. I need to pray none of us get sick. I need to lean on Him during these times when I don't so much. When I forget there is someone out there to talk to besides myself.