I Like to Write:: A Sham of A Day

 

I have been sitting here all day pondering this day. Its a sham. Really. It is. A full day to show your love and admiration to the love of your life. Billions of dollars spent by women and men to shower the loved ones with chocolate and roses. Kids all over showing up to school with candies and gifts for their friends. The whole idea isn't bad. It's a sweet day. Literally, I have eaten my weight in chocolate today. But seriously do men really wait until this day to send a card, flowers, or a little note saying "You are my one and only"? 

I believe in showing your love every day. I believe in showing your children that you appreciate and respect your love every day. I believe that this day just makes you have expectations that won't happen and then when you know they aren't you're upset. Why? Because you are watching what everyone wants you to see on social media. You're seeing the sweetness, the flowers, and the proclamations of love.  

If you don't have a man that has that romance bone this day can make you think. It can make you want something that you know he isn't capable of and it can make you expect something you know won't happen. If you don't expect it the other 364 days of the year, why do we expect it this one? Who knows. Women are complicated. We say we don't like it, don't want it, but really that small gesture is what we want. To know that you are wanted. To know that you are appreciated. Women..moms..often feel that they give and give and really don't get. This day you are to not feel like the MOM and be the WIFE/GIRLFRIEND. But how do men separate that? It's got to be hard. Life often gets in the way of a special day. It comes and goes and you are just thankful for bedtime. 

We need to be more appreciative of those small gestures and not be mad when one day of the year feels like every other day of the year. We should enjoy when he brings home a coffee or a tub of ice cream because he thought of you. We need to love when you're sharing the day and the laughter is there. We need to love the silence of just sitting together after the kids are in bed. It's these little things that seem to be forgotten on THIS DAY. THIS marketed targeted day. 

So love on your husband/boyfriend and celebrate him 365 not 1. Enjoy the company of the one that makes the heart grow and the laughter bubble.  

I Like To Write:: Have I Mastered the Art of Living? Probably Not.

Ever feel like this quote is a slap in the face. Like seriously, I know you can give and give and most of the time you don't even think about the 'expecting anything back' but dang it sometimes you want something back. I have always had a small circle and sometimes I think of making it even smaller. 

I just hate being felt like I am being taken advantage of or just not thought about. Its hard to balance how much you do for others when it just isn't brought back to you. It really is a bother when you think so much of others and when it comes down to it, you really aren't on their radar of being thought of from them. Make sense? Maybe not, I am rambling, but these thoughts just run through my head sometimes. I have been able to count on one person this past year out of the household. Thankfully we care about each others kids as our own and we make sure they are taken care of. We are checking on each other's mental health and doing little things that don't seem like much but mean a lot. 

I won't stop reaching out and helping, I won't stop offering, and I won't stop being me, but when did people just stop caring. Maybe they never cared and I am just getting it. I was taken advantage of hard one time and it just seems like I never learn. People have selfish natures, heck there are times I myself am very selfish, but I would never allow someone to keep doing for me without feeling like I should pay them back somehow, even with a simple Thank You. 

I don't know I am just over people. People who will take and take, and expect you to always be there to help but don't seem to see that sometimes you need some help also. But with the above quote, I will try to remember that I am the one that chooses to help, I am the one that doesn't say no, and I need to remember that I shouldn't expect anything in return. Just doing what is right in my heart is what I should be doing. 

 

I Like to Write:: Stupid Schedules

Ok, life as a fightfighter wife is hard. Wife to any first responder or military is hard. We are on our own lot, we raise kids on our own, we keep stresses to ourselves to not put more on him. We are taking kids here and there and planning meals and then the dreaded sleep pattern of life without him. I know women who sleep just great without their man beside them and then there's women like me who sometimes sleep great and sometimes I can go most of the night up. 

What stinks is this time of year. Our husbands are on duty no matter if Santa is arriving or not. He is on duty whether or not the New Year Ball drops or not. He has to be there. There is nothing we can do about it but keep our fingers crossed he has enough seniority that he can get off that day or this day. You cross your fingers someone young without a family or someone older who has been there and done this will hold over and allow our guys to be home. 

As my kids are getting older and priorities change, I have to say though its not really Christmas that has ever bothered me. With his schedule we have gotten lucky, Christmas day he has always been home, but he has worked many Christmas Eve's. Those evenings are spent with family, taking care of the cookies for Santa, hiding that elf until next year, and setting out the gifts. I have always done all this with little help anyways, Christmas is all me. I love Christmas, the magic, the cold, and the whole love of the entire season. Soon it will be his turn to stay for the young families and make sure their kids are taken care of.

No, no this year I am really bothered with him working New Years Eve. We have spent 3 out of the last 5 apart because of his schedule. We have spent many more before that apart. It seems like his shift is ALWAYS on for the 31st. Even if we are asleep by midnight, I just like beginning the new year with my other half. It has always bothered me knowing he is in town working while I am home when the clock strikes to a new year. I honestly think that I would trade anyone their Christmas Day for New Years Eve. We do nothing special, sometimes we celebrate with friends, sometimes we are asleep, and sometimes we are just watching tv in bed, but we are together. 

So this year we will begin our new year after his shift is done, we will take the tree down, and begin all of our new years resolutions. I have enjoyed this long extended break and I am making the best of all this time together. I just, I am just having a lot of issues with the schedule this year. I don't know if it's my age, or what but I would love to just ring in the new year with my husband. 

 

I Like to Write:: 2021 was just WEIRD!

So anyone else just think that 2021 was weird. Like 2020 was messed up, like not seeing people, stores closed, couldn't work in the building, it was a mess BUT we got over it. Everything slowly opened back up, we went back to work, and we were just a little more cautious. 

2021, what can I say? You sucked. Everyone just seemed in a daze. Time slowed down for sure, you didn't see people that you normally saw and the division just got larger. People are divided over the masks, vaccine, there are people back full time in office, people still at home, kids are being punished with numbers from adults, remarkable fast tracking of medicines and injections without much data. Its been so much more of a mess than 2020. Its just been off. The whole year has been like an off day, however that off day has continued for almost 365 of them. 

I am over politics making people so angry they just stop being the humans you know they can be. I am tired of people actually thinking they have the right to know your 'status' of injection or not. I am over people all together, there is so much over reach, so much meanness, and so much disregard to others. People are just rude. 

Mental health, why doesn't this country really sincerely care about it? They talk a big game, every celebrity will come forward asking YOU to give money for an organization OR ask YOU to be nice to others. However when looking on social media AKA the Devil, you see all the evil in the word at your finger tips. Tik Tok is actually causing destruction of property and challenges that could potentially kill yourself or others and its still available. Twitter is just a big dysfunctional family type setting, arguing amongst politicians, celebrities, and just your average Joes. Facebook is censoring you even when you aren't aware and keeping tabs on all your activity. Snapchat is a wonderful way to hide anything with it disappearing once sent. And instagram....well I like this....pictures.....maybe some drama in the comments but its pictures of life and usually at least on my feed happy lives.   

Why doesn't this country and the medical community make it better on those who need the help? Why are suicides up, domestic violence is up, and kids at home alone up...its all going to hell in a basket and no one seems to care. BUUUUUTTTTT make sure you have your mask on and you get that awful injection. YEP I SAID IT. I am so over the big stuff going to the back burner and we are seriously worried if you are breathing on someone else. Sorry but the close talkers were always a bother, you are always moving back, no one is in your face unless you want them in your face, I am still giving hugs and kissing others on the cheek if saying goodbye, and I am sharing a bed with my husband without a mask. 

Six months ago, I decided I needed to stay more aware of my mental health and a few others in my life. I needed to do those check ups. I needed to send that text. We can be the change. We don't have to allow the media, social, print, or paper to drag us down a hole. I have lots of plans for 2022 and I hope that I am able to keep the timelines up and to keep going. I will not be stopped by fear. 

I am just hoping 2022 isn't really back to normal per say, but just not weird. I hope people find themselves because I think we all got a little lost. I think we all just got so consumed with ourselves and so deep into all the stories and rumors.  So here's to strong friendships, many family functions, and many laughs. 

I Like Writing:: True Love

True Love.
I love seeing true love.
Yesterday our family laid a great man to rest.
Within the eulogy his kids wrote their favorite things of him and his favorite things.
The man of the day, stated once he wouldn't be able to live without his wife.
His children are thankful he didn't need to.
He is currently in heaven with other relatives and we are rejoicing that he is no longer in pain.
His true love is now on her own to find life without him.
She will be reunited with him one day.
God's love is precious.
God's path for us is unwavering.
God's knowledge of what we can do and how much we can be pushed.
True Love.


Is it selfish that the whole time my pastor was speaking about the love of this couple, that I couldn't help but think of my marriage? I kept sneaking glances of my handsome husband in his suit. I kept thinking of the 15 years we've been together and how strong we are together. I kept thinking, what would I do if God forbid I need to continue life without him. I thanked God for bringing him into my life when he did, when I was ready to meet someone, when I was ready to accept that he was what I needed. As we have conquered our first year of marriage, which they say is the hardest year. We have worked together to tackle school, kids, and busy schedules. I've had him in my life for 15 years, does he think of me the same as I do as him? Thankful. Thankful that I like my husband. Thankful that my friend is also my companion. Thankful that my soul lies within him.

Yesterday was an example of that. We are surrounded by strong marriages. We are surrounded by a strong family. We are surrounded by love that lasts through bad, good, and everything in between. The love of the marriage that went through 40 plus years, many ups and downs, and yet through it all, their love of God and their children that their love will continue.

I am thankful that I have found my person. I am thankful that during times of sorrow like yesterday, that he will grab my hand and look at me with love. Yesterday he made my heart melt when he grabbed my hand, smiled, and told me not to judge him as he ate another piece of pie. Little moments like that, I hope my children see so that when we go to be in heaven with those before us, that love kept us going, through the hard and terrible times life throws at us to those that we are laughing and giggling the night away.

True Love.

I Like to Write:: 2018 and my thoughts

I keep writing my reviews and short stories but I don't write my thoughts like I used to. I used to write down what was happening, what was going on going on in my head. I don't do that anymore. No real reason. I think a lot in the car. You cant really write down your deep thought process while driving. I think in 2018 I need to get back to writing those thoughts. I need to get them out. I need to not lay with them in my head for so long. I can't let them fester. Not that what I have to say may be important but I think it is a great way to get your head straight.
After this weekend's events it looks like I might have some time to write. I might be able to get it all in word instead of just talking to myself in the car on the way home. 
I started some healthy habits this year. At least I believe they are healthy habits. I am trying to be more considerate of others. Shocker I know, but I need to step back a little. I need to let people decide that their decisions might be wrong, even if I can see that wrong decision being made. That will also include not allowing myself to take care of those so much. I am really quick to say "I can, I will, let me help" but you rarely get it back these days. Taking care of others I believe is a thing of the past, its sad. Respect is out the window.
I have been following a path for the last few years that has developed a stronger relationship with my faith. It's like working out and exercise, you don't become knowledgeable and full of your faith over night. It has taken a long time to come to terms that life isn't really in my hands. That there is a higher power. As any sinner though I know that my journey will never be over I can always improve. I continue to study and learn. I think my church family has helped enormously with that. I have gotten close to some pretty awesome ladies that are on my path and have helped me with my faith. It's amazing how just talking to someone about a certain subject can change your whole prospective.
I have been reading and reviewing for over a year. I am in love with this hobby. It helps me escape, it helps me remember that I am NOT just a mom and wife. You might not think so but it does. The stories I have the privilege of reading take you to a world that isn't yours. They can erase a bad day, a sad feeling, or just take you on a journey for a little bit. The reviewing was new at first but has gotten easier. I've developed some pretty solid friendships in the book world.
Mommy world is still full time and still my heart. My girls are growing, learning, and doing so much now. As busy as life gets sometimes, there are moments I sit back and thank God that he choose me to guide these little people.
There is plenty in this world I don't understand. There is plenty of hatred and jealousy and meanness but I really try to step back and not get pulled in. I try to stay positive. I try to keep my temper in check. I try to think of all sides, although sometimes that is the hardest. I am really good at ignoring the bad to bring out the good.
So 2018, trying to write more, trying to get more off my chest, and trying to continue working on me. Life was not made to be easy, it was made to be worked for and I am up for the challenge. Thankfully I have a solid marriage, great kids, and a great family with friends who are around for all of this. 

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

Stephen with his arm around my waist guides me into the conference room. I hate that I lost my cool and I am pretty sure I was loud. "So that's someone you know?" he questions. 

"A friend from home that I haven't seen in a few years." He lifts his eyebrow, I have to remember this isn't his first rodeo. He's older, been there done that. "Ok. We might have dated in high school too." He wraps his arms around me. 

"Em," I hate when he calls me by my nickname. No one does. Well not no one, only Jacob, but no one here calls me that. "Is he bothering you? He's just here to sign his divorce papers. He'll be gone in a few minutes. Damn guy doesn't have a fax or scanner so had to do it the old fashion way." He rarely says anything about his clients to me. He must want to make sure he is the better man in this situation. 

"No it just shocked me to see him here. Wait," I look him in the eyes, "he's the divorce you've been working on?"

"Yea, it was a simple one. Quick. Listen, do you want me to kick him out of the building?" He's really concerned. Not sure if its more of the I got upset or the ex boyfriend that is bothering him but he wants to take care of me. 

"No, finish your business with him. I don't want to run into him again though." He hugs me, kisses my forehead and walks out the door. I count to 50 before I move, I know Stephen will move him into his office and I can go back down to my little corner without being seen. He doesn't know where I work at in this building and there are plenty of floors. 

Later, I am getting out of the shower when Stephen walks in. He has a key to my house so after this afternoon I shouldn't be surprised that he showed up. 

"So bad break up?" He cuts right to the chase. He's never played games and doesn't like beating around the bush. We don't argue much for this. We discuss, get the feelings out and move on. 

"Uh, yea, you could say that. You know high school sweethearts, thought we would get married and all that. It didn't go as planned." I try to end it there but he moves me to my bed and we sit. He takes my hair out of my messy bun, runs his fingers through it and looks me in the eye. "I'm sorry baby." Not what I was expecting at all. 

"So you good now? He's still in that small hick town of yours right? Not like he'll be around here to make you uncomfortable anymore." 

"Yea, sure, I'm good. He hasn't upset me really. Just a shock to see him. We really didn't discuss much when we broke up, just that it couldn't work out. After that I was on my way to college and I blocked him from all communication." I look into his green eyes. I just want him to know I am fine. I don't want him worrying about us. We are good. 

He leans me back and makes me forget my day easily. Now to discuss with my mother how he got information on that lawyer office. 

I Like Writing:: Jacob's POV

It's been two weeks since that night at the club. Once she ran out, I made Eric leave and take me home. Recapped everything for him. He couldn't believe she was there. Yea buddy me either. Mom finally confessed she knew she was close, damn Linda was her best friend, of course she knew. I just never asked. I just assumed she stayed put after graduating. Mom says she has an entry level position at a business somewhere and she is really happy. Exactly what you want to here about your girl. Really happy. 

Ethan starts school soon, pre-K, I cannot believe we are this point. Seems like yesterday he was just learning to roll over, then crawl. It goes so fast. I am thankful I have been here for all of it. We finally closed on my house. I have boxes every where, trying to organize and see what I need to buy. Some of the guys from the shop are coming by tomorrow to help with big stuff. 

I have to travel to the lawyers office this afternoon to sign the last of the paperwork. Once that is signed, I will officially be divorced and Shelly can kiss my ass. I got the custody I wanted and she got the house. I am in a good place, that phrase keeps entering my mind. What the hell did she mean by it? Does it mean there's a guy making her happy? 

I get off the elevator and see her. What in the hell? She's got a black skirt on, red shirt, and fuck me red high heels. She looks gorgeous. Her head is back, laughter coming out of that mouth. 

"Can you tell Stephen I will be back for our dinner plans?" I hear her ask the secretary. 

"Oh I am sure he won't let you miss those. He'll probably make me buzz you to remind you once he finishes with his last client. Have a good evening."  I stay where I am, hoping she'll come by me so I can see her better. She works here? She's seeing someone who works here? Stephen, my lawyer, Stephen?

She starts in my direction, our eyes meet. She's not grinning this time. Her face looks like she could kill me. She quickly grabs my arm and moves me towards the elevator. "What in the hell are you doing here?" She asks. Man she wants me gone. 

"I have an appointment with my lawyer. What are you doing here?" I know its obvious what shes doing here, but what the hell she can tell me. I put my hands in my pockets and tilt back on my heels waiting. I stare. I stare hard. 

"I work here Jacob. My place of work. My area. My space." She hisses. She is about to turn when a hand comes to her waist. Stephen. 

"Mr. Williamson," he holds out his free hand and shakes mine. "If you could give me a moment I will  be right with you." He eyes Emma, he nudges his head towards a door. I guess he wants to talk to her. He could do it right here, I would tell him exactly who I am and how we know each other. 

Jackass still has his arm around her waist when they disappear in that room.

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

I lied. The conversation continued. In. My. Head. I dreamt all night of Jacob. I could feel him. I could smell him. I jerked awake. That hand I felt, yea, it was Stephen rubbing my belly. I feel dirty dreaming of him while in bed with Stephen. I slide out and move to the couch. I have no clue what time it is but it's close to sunrise. I just sit and stare out the window. I need calm. I need to think. How can I be away from someone for 5 years then it feels like no time has pasted? Holding his hands, him calming me by rubbing my back, it was all wrong. 

I am just thankful I didn't lose my shit with him. He doesn't know how much everything screwed me up. He doesn't need to know that he could have me back. It's sad, maybe someone stronger would say no, but he's my soul. Stephen never questions why I wont move in, he just goes with it. I really don't have a good reason other than that I never really got any closer with Jake. I never got to say my piece. I was so shocked by the news. He kept arguing that we could stay together and he would raise the baby with me during his time. I couldn't comprehend how that could happen. How he could sleep with someone? Although deep down, I wanted to. I wanted to stay and raise that baby. I wanted to be a second mom to that baby then when the time was right have one with Jake. How though, how could I ever think that? Because he's my soul.

I have to keep the anger ahead of the sadness. Anger will allow me to forget that I hate to be mad at him. Anger will keep him at bay. We all make mistakes, his was a long time ago. I wonder if he ever cheated on her like he did me? I wonder if he blamed it on drinking, I always thought he did it for anther reason. I always thought the baby was a total surprise, that he just wanted to sleep with someone different, get back at me for getting ready to leave him. I should have asked that last night. 

Stephen comes down the stairs, snuggles behind me on the couch. "Why are you down here?" he kisses my neck. I know I should tell him but I am not going to do it now. 

"I just couldn't sleep. You'd think with the dancing and drinking I would." I lean back into him. I've always felt eighty percent at home with him. Does that even make sense? Probably not. Until last night I thought about marrying him one day, when he was ready. He's made remarks making me think that another marriage wasn't in the cards for a while. Marrying someone you feel safe with is always a nice plan. Comfortable. As my mother would tell me yet again in her nicest sweetest 'I don't care for Stephen' voice, "Settling is nice but what about love?"

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

The girls from work and I are at a bachelorette  party for one of the clerks.  I am hot and need a drink so I break from the group. I head to the bar. The place is busy, jam packed wall to wall. I prefer those small out of the way bars that you can sit for hours talking to the bartender and no one bothers you. I guess a little bit of home hasn't left me. Not that I was in a lot bars before leaving home, but in a small town you could get in without the drinking part. Everyone knew if you did and your parents knew right away. I just always enjoyed talking to Old Joe and watching sports on the tv with him. And Jake, I think. I always went there with Jake. 

I get my drink and turn, to see Eric here. That is so weird. Why would he be in this bar? And where he is, is Jake. I turn all the way around scanning the bar area. I don't see him anywhere. My heart is racing. Please don't be here, please don't be here. I don't want Eric to see me, even though I don't think he will with the blonde sitting there. He always did like blondes. I quickly turn to go back out to the floor when I run into a wall of man. I tilt my head up to apologize and those eyes. Those dark brown eyes that always did kill me. His hands are wrapped around both of my arms steadying me. "Jake." I really don't know what to say. My heart is pounding so loud I can hear it in my ears. I wonder if he can hear it. All the music and noise is drowned out by my heart. The universe really isn't funny. I got to side step to get out of his way, but he doesn't budge. His grip doesn't budge. I'm stuck. 

"Emma. I thought you were in Bama." His eyebrows go up. He really looked confused to see me here. I guess my planned worked. That small town didn't win. Well until now, now they won. He's here. 

"Yea, well, I got a job here. I've been back for a while." I don't want to lie or be hateful. I couldn't be hateful if i tried with him. He has always held that spot. That spot that wont allow me to truly just be a bitch. I never could, even when I didn't agree with his actions in high school. I just love him so much I would forgive him so easily. God he looks good. His hair is shorter. He's filled out, bigger than he was in high school. Suddenly I am self-conscious, I must look a mess, I have been sweating and dancing for hours. I don't know why I care but I don't want to look horrible seeing him. 

His hands move from my biceps to my hands. I automatically intertwine mine with his. Old habits die hard, even 5 years later I guess. 

I Like Writing:: Jacob's POV

I think this is it. I keep going through the house, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, and a huge back yard. Thankfully Eric came with me and has been occupying the attractive real estate person assigned to this house. I was able to venture around on my own and not feel pressured. I don't want to show Ethan until I decide on what I can get. I don't want to get his hopes up. I also need to make sure everything goes through, hoping Shelly hasn't done anything stupid to ruin my credit. 

I go out to the living room, Michelle has her head back laughing at something Eric said. She approaches me with questions about how I like the house. "Can we put in an offer?" This house is within the district requirements for Ethan's school, he can get off the bus here. I have been saving for so long, it feels like I would never get to this point. Although I have been a father for almost 5 years, it just now feels like I am making a grown up move. 

I stretch my 6 foot frame, I ache from the hours I have put in this week. Shelly has been good with letting me come over for dinner but understanding why I haven't taken Ethan over night. I have had to be in the shop before 6 every day to make sure we stayed on schedule. 

Shelly said she has signed the paperwork. I am waiting for my lawyer to call me about it. She's dating someone, surprise there. I didn't think she'd be single long. I have to look for a before and after care in my new neighbor in case I have to work long hours on my week. Although I think my boss will make sure i work short the week I have Ethan and long the week I don't.

"Hey, lets go out. There's a bar about a hour away I heard is good. Lots of women." I look at Eric like he's stupid. He just wiggles his eyebrows at me. 

"I'm not even divorced yet. I have worked a thousand hours this week. Any more reasons why I dont want to go?"

"So what time do you want to leave?" he doesn't even give me an option. I guess I am going.  Nice jeans, cowboy boots, button up shirt, its as good as it going to get. 

We get to the crowded bar. Lots of women, I will give Eric that. We find a seat at the bar and watch the sexy bartender fling drinks around. She is giving everyone a little attention, I am sure she makes wonderful tips with most of her boobs hanging out of her shirt. A little blonde comes and sits beside Eric. I have lost him I am sure. I spin around taking a look at the place. I am used to hole in the wall bars with country music and line dancing. This bar is loud, packed full, and strobe lights going off everywhere.

I LIke Writing:: Emma's POV

Mom insisted that I come over after one. She had something to do in the morning. I am never in town this late in the day. My parents are early birds, so I take advantage of that. I get up, eat breakfast with them, catch up them, sometimes Stephen has joined me, then I am back on the road by 1 at the latest. Today, though, I show up and there's a car in the driveway. A familiar car. Damn it. I haven't really had to talk to Jacob's mom for over a year now. The last time was just awkward, she had no clue what to say except that I looked good. Of course I look good, I wasn't going to lose weight and not take care of myself over a man. Some might even say I am a little too thick but at 5'1" what do you expect with a curvy body and a bigger butt. I started working out in college and have continued. Stephen encourages it also, we go to the gym together. I am short but I personally think I have great legs, not the longest until I put on heels. I wasn't going to let her son destroy me after giving myself a few months to wallow. 

Those few months were hard being a freshman, a new schedule, and making new friends. My roommate thought I was a nut until I finally warmed up. She is the one that got me out of my funk. She is the reason I am strong like I am today.  Missy, though, won't let me forget how much I loved him. I always chalk it up the high school romance and he wasn't suppose to be my only. She always questions, what if he was? Well then his dick wouldn't have slipped into someone else's pussy, that's what if. 

Walking into mom's kitchen, I give my step dad a big hug and sit at the table. My mom and Mrs. Williamson are in deep conversation. I listen, they haven't even noticed me yet. I hear Mrs. Williamson say something about happy that its almost over, and then mom makes eye contact with me. Her graying hair is suiting her, I am glad she quit dying it. She gives me a small smile, "Sorry hunny, our lunch ran over. Edna was on her way out." Mrs. Williamson gets up and gives me a hug. "Your mom told me how happy you are. I am so happy life has worked out for you, sweetie." Tears in her flipping eyes. Really am I not supposed to be happy?

"So I had to come over later so you and Edna could gossip?" I'm a little aggravated. 

"No, my little group of friends wanted to get together for a brunch/lunch thing instead of Friday night dinner. I couldn't say no. I like talking with them. Edna stayed behind to ask me about you. First time in a while we have had a discussion about you and Jacob," she laughs. A very nervous, not sure how I am going to handle this laugh. 

"Ok, so why are we discussing me and Jacob. Five years have passed, I am with Stephen. I am almost living with Stephen. Jacob is married." "Was" "What?" I asked confused about her interjection. 

"Was, he is going through a divorce. Shelly stopped fighting him. Agreed to sign whatever he wanted. He will be sharing custody of his son." and there is goes, my stomach. It plummets to the ground. I hate thinking about his son. I hate that I wasn't the one that was able to give him a child. It still is the one thing about us that breaks me.

I Like Writing:: Jacob's POV

A month has gone by and I am finally back in to see this fancy lawyer my mother insisted I hire. He is expensive but supposedly the best in the area. How my mother knew about him no clue, but she says he comes highly recommended. I bought a suit and tie just for this meeting, I pray I don't have to go to court. Shelly said she would sign the paperwork but when it is finally there in front of her, I don't know what she'll do. 

It's a fancy building, lots of floors, I make my way to the 8th, where this Stephen guy is. I let his secretary know I am here and wait. Hands sweaty, heart rate up, yep that's me. I just want this meeting over. He keeps asking questions and I keep answering as best as I can. I should have brought Shelly and just had her sign as much as she could here. He's talking meditation and counseling, all I want is a damn divorce. 

He finally has me sign the paperwork saying I will pay him and that Shelly will be served with the paperwork. I am walking down the hallway towards the elevator when I hear that laugh. That laugh that belongs to my girl. I turn quickly and walk the opposite direction but don't see anyone. Damn, I do this to myself all the time. Five years and I just can't let her go. 

I pick Ethan up from Shelly and go to my small apartment that is above my mom's garage. Lame, I know but I am not paying rent. I want a house. A house that Ethan can live in on his days with me and be comfortable. I know he doesn't really care where he lives but I want something worthy of this innocent kid. 

It's midnight and here I am again torturing myself. Looking up all her social media accounts, all private, I cant see a damn thing but a few pictures but I love when there's a new one to see. It's something I do very couple of months. It was worse when she was in college, tagged in pictures that for whatever reason I could see, she got to have her life. She was at parties, football games, and on campus while I was helping my wife raise our son. This is all my fault yet I still yearn for it to be fixed. I keep waiting for the day I see a guy or an announcement.

I Like Writing:: Emma's POV

I take my long auburn hair out of the once perfect bun and let it hang down my back. Not the most professional but with the air conditioning every little bit helps keep me warm. I feel a hand grab the end of my hair and pull my head back. I smile when I see Stephen staring at me. "What did I tell you about your hair being down? You know I can't help but have it in my hand." I know this, but I didn't plan on seeing him at this moment. I shake my head at him, "What can I do for you Mr. Watkins?" 

"I have a client that cancelled, have lunch with me." Not really a question but I am pretending. I grab my purse and walk out with him. We rarely are able to see each other during the day. He is a high demand lawyer and the lawyer I work for is busy also. His arm goes to my waist tugging me closer as we walk to the restaurant down the street. 

"So you were cancelled on huh?" I try to tease, not many make the man wait and he hates being cancelled on. 

"Oh, this is a simple divorce, nothing major, he had an emergency with a kid or something, rescheduled. He'll have to wait longer but I am sure he'll be back. Now how's your day going?" He takes my hand, kisses my knuckles. So thoughtful as always. My days are always the same unless I get office gossip but he always asks. 

Meeting my friend, Missy for dinner is always a treat. Stephen tried more than once to convince me to come over but we don't get together enough now she is expecting. "So not many still know you are this close to town huh?" she asks for the hundredth time in months. As far as every one thinks I am still in Alabama, hell I was only there for a month before getting the call from this firm. I am a hour away from home but only close family and Missy know that. That blabber mouth of a small town would have my business every where if it could. 

"Nope," I roll my eyes at her. Her blonde hair cut in a short mom cut already lets me know shes preparing for this baby girl of hers. She is already putting herself last trying to get ready for the demanding child that will be coming. I always saw myself with a little girl, pink dress and all. Not sure if that will happen anytime soon. 

"You should visit."

"I do visit Missy, one weekend a month, I see my parents."

"And you swoop in on Saturday morning and gone by noon," she crosses her arms looking at me. I know what she wants, she isn't getting it. "he's getting divorced you know?" she looks down. She just had to bring the bastard up. She had to update as always. She is the only person I know that still thinks I should have stayed. 

"Oh I figured that would come one day, Mis, do I have to know about it, no I don't. Can we talk about something else, your baby shower maybe, or if you have a name for her yet??" I just cant. She drives me nuts with this crap. 

"Fine, something else it is, but your eyes tell me so much that i want to continue."

I Like Writing: Jacob's POV

It's been 5 years of hell. She has made my life hell. I finally got a descent lawyer. I will be divorced by the end of the year if I get my way. Shelly has been a pain in my ass since the moment I screwed up at that party. I asked Emma three times to go with me but she wouldn't, studying came first, she wanted an education, at 18 I saw that as a flaw, at 23 I see it as genius. I was stupid that's for sure. I made one drunken night turn into hell for me. I was automatically tied down but refused to marry her until i knew the baby was mine. When Ethan was born, there was no denying he was mine, looks exactly like me. Brown hair, brown eyes, strong chin. He also has my stubborn personality which is trying at times but I love him. I wouldn't trade it for anything, not even to have Emma back, although that is a very very close second. 

I know from the small town we live in, that she went south after school. She always wanted to be in the south, I guess I didn't keep her from that. She could be married herself for all I know. I don't ask about her and no one thankfully offers the information. It hard since her mother and mine are friends. They don't talk a lot but when passing they gossip and catch up. Her mother has seen my son, she's been really nice to him. She also cuts me a look that tells me all need to know every time I see her in town. 

I meet with my lawyer next week. I cannot wait to begin the process of getting out of this convenient marriage and move on. Shelly has been good since I finally laid it all out to her. She knows why we married, she knows that it was never her, and she knows I want my boy as much as possible. 

"Dude, you going out with us this weekend?" My buddy, Eric, asks. He knows I need to get out and relax. He always thinks pussy will fix all, but I dont want that right now. I just want to begin again, find a place of my own, and get a routine with my son. 

"No, I don't think so. I am house hunting on Saturday. I don't have much time before school starts and I need to settled." The shop hasn't been too busy where I can get away with a Saturday off and I need to take full advantage of the time. Ethan begins pre-school this fall and I need to stay in the school district we have him registered in. I am not uprooting his life because his mother and I aren't together.

I Like Writing:: 5 Years Later--Emma's POV

I am going to bang my head against the table until I pass out. Yep those are my thoughts. This meeting has lasted longer than need be and it could have been sent out in an email. Seriously they could have sent the power point through email and I would have gotten more out of it. I gather my notes as Greg dismisses us. He is a good guy, just long winded. I go back to my desk to type the summary up to be emailed to the partners so that I can get out of here. I want my weekend to begin sooner than later. 

Stephen is waiting for me at the elevator, that's right I am dating one of those partners, he grabbed me up as soon as I started. He didn't waste any time getting my number and I liked the directness of him.   He's in his early 30's and divorced but that hasn't affected our relationship at all. I am thankful he got away from the bitch without much but losing money. At least this is what i am told. I have not met the ex personally but she doesn't come around. He gathers me up in his arms and kisses my neck, "Let's go home." Nope, not living together but he keeps trying. 

He's bought a dresser and gave me room in his closet, so when we get to his place, I go back to our bedroom to change out of my gray pencil skirt and lavender blouse. He follows. I know exactly what he wants. I haven't stayed in a few days because of his court schedule. I try to respect when he has a lot of work to do. 

Later I find him sitting on his king size bed working on his laptop. He has his black framed glasses on, his five o'clock shadow is there. He is gorgeous. No clue how or why we are together sometimes. He knows I am a little standoffish but he doesn't really question or nag about it. He accepts that I am here. He gives me what he wants to give me. I give him as much as I can in return. I may my presence known, stepping into the room. I make my way towards the bed. He hesitates but doesn't stop working. "I am going to get a shower then go to bed, you good?" I ask. I want to make sure he will be busy since i am exhausted. I hate coming over and crashing before him. He's almost 10 years older yet I cannot hang with his crazy hours. He gives me his attention and answers, "I have a big case in a few weeks, as long as my typing doesn't bother you, I am good." 

It's taken a lot but as any adult, I learned to move on. I didn't like it, but I did. I had a few relationships in college and always felt good, never guilty, but with Stephen something irks me. I always feel like I am moving on when I shouldn't. There are times though that time just makes my heart hurt. I hate the thought of 'what could have been?' stays on my mind. Stupid I know, but its there. 

I Like Writing:: Prologue--Only Time Can Heal, Maybe?

"Yes you can, we can, you know we can," he pleads.  Staring into his big brown eyes. I know he believes it.

"You said she is pregnant, pregnant with your child! We are together," I roar swinging my arms to point to him then me, "that means you got her pregnant while you were sleeping with me."

His shoulders slump. He knows he will not win this. He knows that he needs to do what is right. I know without a doubt that I will never trust him again. I know I need to leave for college and not think of him again. I cannot think of what he's done to me or us.

He goes to hug me again. I back up, "Don't touch me." I just glare, what else can I do. My heart is broken, I have only thought of one thing since senior year finished and now that dream is gone. The whole high school sweetheart forever crap, that's what it is crap.